I  have been know to send out some obvious spoof Christmas cards like this one in the past.
 
Who really wants to hear about how well you are doing, your new house, boat, car, etc  and/or how beautiful, smart and successful all your kids have turned out…..what funny new tricks your dog has learned, yadda, yadda, yadda?
 
I also hate people that give me a share of a  goat for some poor person in _________________, etc.  I told people one year that I had adopted a penguin in their name who would be arriving soon and how to care for it.

So, I’d like to hear about the worst Christmas card you have ever recieved. Let see if we can compile a list of TERRIBLE CHRISTMAS CARDS!

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting Baby Boomers (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Baby Boomers are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me … uh oh … I’ll see you on the Bus!

Author Unknown (and modified by me)

www.theboomerway.com

An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by…….

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.”

Volkswagen Campmobile

I was driving my Volkswagen Campmobile, loaded down with four other men, golf clubs, fishing gear, luggage, beer(and who knows what else), to Destin, Florida from Birmingham, Alabama.

We were driving at night, in the rain, down a narrow, two lane, winding, hilly road near Luverne, Alabama.

At one point, going up a long hill, the road had a third lane for passing.  Proper road etiquette was for slower vehicles to move to the right lane to allow passing in the middle lane.

Some overly cautious/stupid/slower driver stayed in the middle lane and I whipped around them in the right lane.

After passing the first car on the right, I pulled into the passing lane to try and pass one more car before we got to the top of the hill.

Just as I finally got ready to pass, the passing lane disappeared, so I stepped on the gas and held my ground.  This caused me to cross a double line on the highway for a brief distance before my passing maneuver was completed.

I had been carefully observing the headlights of approaching cars for some time and knew there was nobody coming towards us for quite a distance so in my opinion, it was a “good pass”.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, flashing blue lights appeared behind me and a siren was wailing.

There was no shoulder on the road so I had to drive for several more miles before finding a place to pull over.

When the Alabama State Trooper came up to my window, in the pouring rain, I asked him how I could help him.  You could almost see the steam blowing out of his ears as he said “You crossed a double yellow line back there”.

I responded “Gee, officer, I didn’t see the double yellow line.”

He responded, obviously exhibiting a great amount of restraint, ”A freshly painted double yellow line….please give me your license and registration and follow me to my vehicle”.

After spending a while in his patrol car, watching him write an epistle on the ticket, he asked me to sign it and let me go.
I gave the ticket to one of my friends as I got back in the Campmobile and proceeded toward the beach at a little slower pace.

The boys in the back started laughing hysterically and finally read out loud the writing on the ticket.

The description of my offense read something like:

Driving at a high rate of speed, up a hill, in the rain, at night, across a freshly painted double yellow line, changing lanes without signaling and probably a few more offenses.

When we got back to Birmingham I immediately called my lawyer who advised me to pay the fine, no matter how much, because “out of towners” didn’t stand a chance in Luverne, Alabama.  He said after his first, and last, time trying to defend one of his Birmingham clients in Luverne, he was hesitant to ever even set foot in Crenshaw County again.

I called the phone number on the back of the ticket, gave the clerk the citation number and she said the fine would be $75 plus court costs of, I think,  $25.  I was expecting a fine of hundreds of dollars so I asked her to tell me for what I was being charged.  She said “Crossing a Double Yellow Line”.  Despite all the verbiage….. The Trooper had only checked one little box on the ticket.

My check was in the mail that day.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Johnny ‘Giving up?’

The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground..
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver’s license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.

  Author Unknown:

We have know-how (and know-not) in our hip pockets, and the time is right for a few adjustments     by: Jacquelyn Mitchard | from: AARP Bulletin | September 1, 2011

Words to Ax
Panties
Smashed, as in overserved or hammered. 
Sick! … for cool or crazy.
Whatever
I’m like … We mean “I said” or “I say.” So we should say it. 
Totes. Unless you totally mean that clever little umbrella.
Hot. Except when referring to the weather or habaneros.
Kick it. Marginal even for those 50+ in a rock band still being paid … even at state fairs.

What Not to Wear
Miniskirts, minishorts, anything that’s been deliberately diminished or ripped — unless it’s you or your muscles. 
Purses with dogs on them. Purses with dogs in them.
Low-rise pants that showcase low-rise anatomy. 
Super-tight skinny jeans, even if you are both.
T-shirts that say “Sexy Grandma,”  “Vote for Ozzy” or “I Am the Man
from Nantucket.” 
Gold chains with your name on them. Gold chains. Chains.

Things Never to Do Again
Drinking champagne from your son’s girlfriend’s shoe. Drinking champagne
from your own shoe.
Jell-O shots
Karaoke after Jell-O shots.
Crowd surfing to the mosh pit.
Collecting owls made of shells, frogs made of ceramic or lawn gnomes
made of anything.

People to No Longer Tolerate
Space invaders. Those who stand too close, consuming space, energy,
oxygen and time.
Those who don’t know you when you’re down and out but just love
you when you’re “back.”
People who learned all they ever needed to know in high school — and
are still living it. 
Gossips
Arrogant doctors, educators, waiters, TV commentators, athletes, authors, legislators, coaches or anyone who lets a little influence go to their head.

Things to Do at Least Once
Dance outside at night in a foreign land.
Create a boundary in life. Then take down a wall.
Write long handwritten letters to your grandchildren, even the ones who aren’t born yet.
Put your wedding photos in an album before your 25th anniversary. Finish the baby book before the kid’s 25th birthday.
Start telling the truth, every day.
Stand up for what you believe, and do so with dignity.
Be able to retire but say, the hell with it, I’m going strong.

Jacquelyn Mitchard is the best-selling author of 21 books. Her newest,Second Nature, comes out this month.

Related
Jacquelyn Mitchard writes about starting life over after 50.
Slang 50-plus should drop. 
Over 50: Avoid these activities. 

                                                               www.theboomerway.com

The most impressive “flipping of the bird” that I ever received was, unfortunately, well deserved.

After looking carefully in both directions, I turned left into the left lane of a four lane highway.  I chose the “passing lane” because there was nobody coming towards me in that lane and I observed an SUV in the right lane pretty far down the road.

After traveling a short distance in the left lane, I signaled my intentions and eased into the right lane.

As it turned out, the SUV in the right lane was going faster than a scalded dog on crack and it swerved into the left lane to pass me…..all the while blowing his horn.

As the offended driver passed me, a shirtless passenger, in the back seat, leaned out the window, exposing his whole upper torso, and saluted me with a pair of fist pumping, fully extended birds.

Join the BOOMER’S Road Rage Patrol Club  today and get a Road Rage Patrol Card!